My Love Affair: No one told me this shit was a drug!

I had a really bad breakup once, the way my mind is tricky, smart in its craziness. I made sure that when my friends asked what happened. Where is he? How is he? I put him on blast, this was so that I couldn’t go back, and I didn’t want to go back. So that if I thought about it I would feel embarrassed. The following is going to be blow-by-blow highlights of my love affair with nicotine. Part I – Menthol: I started smoking cigarettes in the year 1997; I was in standard seven and 12 years old. In the bathroom of the tennis club – Phikwe, with a friend. And the funniest thing is that I didn’t know anyone personally who smoked, I have one memory a LONG time ago of my dad smoking on ‘his chair’ in the house we used to live in from when I was born. But I can’t even be sure if that memory is mine or something that was created by the fact that I ‘heard’ he smoked back then and associate it with the chair he was always sitting. This friend of mine and I used to buy a packet of Craven A every Friday, and hide out in the toilets and smoke – whether or not at that time we were actually inhaling the smoke or not I cannot remember. But 1 thing I know for sure it had nothing to do with seeming cool to anyone, in the presence of our peers. We hid it, it was our little secret, so much so that we would throw that packet away that night before getting picked up for home. We did this every weekend for a while. I went to Zimbabwe for Form in 1998, it wasn’t an addiction. I think I smoked for the 1st time 2 months after getting there, in 1 of those Bulz creepy alleys, and I think this was maybe at most if at all one smoke a week. It scared the shit outta me I guess – I wasn’t with my partner in crime. Part II: Turkish Delights: 1999 Delta Waters International School, the shit hit the ceiling! I am surrounded by bush thick enough to hide from someone standing 20m away from you. Surrounded by people exactly like me – people waiting to lose their minds!  Everyday, we made Bashi (the guy who ran the tuck-shop right outside the school fence) a lot of money. Who would say no to a bunch of spoilt kids trying to own a bad habit? Smoking became now a twice weekly thing for most of this year. The closer and closer I got to people, the more they trusted me, the more I was welcomed into their hiding spots – the 1st time I inhaled a cigarette was a thrill I had NO idea was existent! In my mind sprung ‘what the hell have I been denying myself’? (Truth). I was with about 4 girls in the school garden, deep in the bushes where there was a patch of really soft sand to hang around on. Someone advised me that ‘I wasn’t doing it right’. So I was taught how to do this ‘right’. The head rush was unbelievable. I will never forget that day, that’s the day my addiction was born. That cigarette was the white and gold banded Courtleigh. I wanted that dizziness, I feel in love with it. So started my everyday hit of the nicotine stick. Part III: Open 24/7: The year 2000 – I have now established my ‘click’ and we running shit. We were known as what... SU – not scripture union, but smokers union. A group of four unfuckwitable chicks. We smoked and we didn’t give a hoot! We could leave our individual classes one at a time and go just 100m away to the school bathrooms to chain smoke and just chill. (What the hell were we on??) And on one of our holidays off school, 1 of us came back having discovered the Turkish tobacco cigarettes, Camel. This is the same year I had my 1st drink. Have always been big on smoking than drinking, still am. (Just do the drinking thing so well when I do it). At this point it is an everyday thing. And proudly saying it to our peers, openly smoking in the situations that permitted us to and had credit tabs. And for next 13 years I smoked – switching brands once in my 3 year overseas stint. Peter Syversant Filter – red, faithful I was to this brand. Smoking became part of my identity. Part of my every day, the scent became part of the sweat that excreted from my pores. Having that stick between my fingers became how people around me, 1st acquaintances identified me. Became the periodic reason to stop for a few minutes when travelling. It became an excuse to sit alone, it became the shrub to hide behind when in an awkward moment. It became a way of life, to spark conversation to make friends. Someone at some point in my life smoked, most of my friends smoked. Smoking was my after meal dessert, my morning coffee. Apparently i was one of those people that smoking suited. It made me approachable – SKEIF! And all along not giving a fuck, smoking was killing me. Eroding my system, fighting against the radiance that i had inside me. Holding me down. Final goodbye 2013: this is the year I would accept that health is better than the morning head rush. That my blood pressure will need more help on my part to stay down. But only twice did I ever not smoke. Twice, too bed ridden or sick to go and get that hit of nicotine. Twice and both times no longer than 24hours. Smoking is a vice i have loved and hated for 15 years of my life. ‘I want to quit. I will quit’. This was not happening for me, I am not as strong as those that could JUST give it up. March 12 2013, 2330hours, my last cigarette. With assistance from pharmaceuticals, Zyban may have saved my life, grateful and expensive – I pray every day that I do not go back to this bad habit. I pray for strength, discipline. Proud of a week without a hit, proud because this was a milestone, this was a 1st. After seven days, I thought I was getting the cold. My body felt weird, dizzy spells, sweating – I CANT SLEEP! Fiending and bouncing off the walls. NO ONE TOLD ME THIS SHIT WAS A DRUG! It’s over, between me and nicotine. I don’t need you anymore. There isn’t room for you to grow, you have damaged my insides enough. I wish I could throw it in your face and say there is no more harm you can do. Every day of my life for 13 years, if I was to settle for P12 a day, for 13 years, obviously not counting when the packs just dropped accompanied my some drinks. I have spent an estimated average of P60, 000 on nicotine. Its over! I’m done! No more scraping in between the couch, shaking bags and begging for coins or debt for a cigarette. I figured I smoked ALL my teenage years and most of my 20’s – time to try something new for the rest of the life I have to live. Gino Obuseng