words i can spell but never write

i look around and see all these curious, ignorant eyes and wonder how any human form can relate to so much pain.
this is all of my doing.
just tell me where your secret hiding place is, and i'll tell you mine.
and when and if i war starts, i wont have to get lost looking for you in the dark

i'd rather hear gun shots than the silence, its getting so so loud!
i find myself looking up, on my knees, disbelieving that there could be a miracle but just a reason to believe...

this couldnt be karma, could be that cruel...
im not saying its great, but it has been good
im not saying its love but the world can think so
i have said no, but nothing is written on stone
i may not mean it, we dont have to talk

the chemical reaction in my mind is not anger, its not in my mind
the song my heart sings i know is not my own, im singing it but have never listened
i can switch this bitch off, as soon as i can remember its code

i wont scream if you dont,
wont run if u stop
wont hide if u tell me where we are
i wont cry if you are silent
i'll awake if u sleep
i'll look out when your back is turned
i wont look you in the eye,
i'll pretend your touch dont mean shit if it makes it easier
and when i think about you for too long, i'll lie
i wont close my eyes when we kiss
i'll hide my smile, at the sound of your footsteps
if it makes it better, i wont fall in love with you
and everytime you come and see me, as i jump up n down with glee
open the door, stone cold indifference, i wont whisper anything to you.

if it just makes you think about me and smile to yourself you never have to tell me
if you miss my smile, and get moved in any way, at all you never even have to show it
acknowledging me could even be by mistake
you could pretend we never met, never talked,
we could forget and role play everytime
if you just are here, with me, when u can....

and so im wondering when the crazy-gangsta-gal got broken down right...
she could be right here beside the sweet,childish shy 1....
they could b right there, together, maybe we could call it a threesome!

this is no poem, this is no song
maybe petition, plea
maybe caused bu another sleepless night
this could be nothing at all
this is forgotten right after its read
this is consideration
this isnt for you
this isnt for me
this is for documentation and record of my ignorance and stupidity
my wants, my dreams and cravings!

this is another lesson learnt, this is for memory
this isnt for relief or release
no this is a contract between every active cell in my body..

this isnt the end,
this is the end of all time when it has stopped
this is the split second inbetween heartbeats and between in & exhales
this is so cliche, but straight out the box!